We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
