When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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