So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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