Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
