You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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