escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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