If i could tip my vagina, i would.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
