His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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