i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I came so hard my ears popped.
This toilet bowl is my home.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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