I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just blew my weed a kiss
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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