Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
