I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
