I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
