nut hugger
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
