Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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