Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
