dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
