if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
