that's an acceptable place to lick
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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