Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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