I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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