I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
