The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
