Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
