well I can't set my house on fire every night
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
