so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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