I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
