I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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