I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
