i wish starbucks made bloody marys
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
