Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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