I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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