I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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