I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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