Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
