Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
grandma shit on top of the toilet
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
