I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
