who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she told me i tasted like america
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have tasted many bathrooms
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize