Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
