I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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