That's when you crack a 10am beer
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
