The maid of honor just puked.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
