yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
