yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
