She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
