sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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