What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize