shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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