just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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