My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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