It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize