if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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