According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
