Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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