Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
