Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize