Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
