and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
