So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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