so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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